I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
