U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
