just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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