well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
