Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
