Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
