My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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