hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
