Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
