Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
