He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
