if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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