BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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