my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
