I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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