I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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