question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
we're so committed to being not committed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
