My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
