Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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