I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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