so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
