yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
