apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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