I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
