I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
