Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
