Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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