I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
