i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
