Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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