Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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