I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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