Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
