I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
