I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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