I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
