this beer tastes like vomit already
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
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It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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