So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
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We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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