sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
MIDGETS
????
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
