Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We left an ass print on the piano.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
