Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is it penis luge time yet?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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