the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
