he wants to bone in the snuggie
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
