T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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