She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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