My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
if only i could text you this smell
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
