I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
