I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
