Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
