a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
