he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
