i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
