im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
